Garbage Disposal

Tired of her baked potato, Rachel, my 8 year old daughter, expectantly asked that I finish the rest. Dutifully, I speared the cold, unappetizing tubers, and was about to shovel them into my mouth, when Josiah piped "Rachel, he is not a garbage disposal!" Immediately, I put my fork down and thought to myself.......yes, I mean no! I am not a garbage disposal! From now on, until my children come up with a more flattering household appliance analogy, I am on food disposal strike!

"Hand Me Down" Coffee

Portland is a city that worships its coffee, it is small wonder that what I am about to confess will be considered heresy by many of its denizens. I drink "hand me down" coffee. Meaning, right after Jane pours her morning coffee, I brew my own cup using her used grounds. I rationalize it by telling her that she makes her coffee way too strong, and there is still plenty of taste left in the grounds. Or more likely, I am just cheap, I mean frugal. When I post this on Facebook, many may consider me blasphemous and "unfriend" me. I will understand. But, since we are "friends"......I thought I should be completely honest.

A Boy and His Shredder

Lately, my son Josiah has been feverishly perusing Ebay listings for a paper shredder, he's been asking for one for the past 6 months. What personal secrets are so important to this 8 year old boy that he has to ensure they don't fall into the wrong hands? What is he? FBI? CIA? The dreaded IRS? You have to admit, it gives one pause....

Balance

Everyone talks about finding balance in their lives, a great concept but one very hard for me to attain. My daily life, as is with many, is filled with work and family obligations. My days are rarely planned beyond forty eight hours. Planning and its attendant details wears me out. Subsequently, time spent with my two closest friends are sporadic and fails to provide any real traction to deepen our relationships.

It is not what I want. This past week I was able to spend some time with each of my two friends. Granted, the encounters weren't one on one since I had to bring my son along, but it is the best effort on my part in a long time. I love my friends and want to be, and want them to be, a bigger part of my life.

Hopefully, a bit of momentum has built up and we will see how it goes.

Culture....

"Bridesmaids", "Bad Teacher", and " Horrible Bosses", to be sure, none of these movies will be included in the American Film Institute as classics. But, they are hilarious. My personal favorite, and the raunchiest, is "Bad Teacher". You will bust a gut laughing, that is if you don't walk out first.

Lest you think I am totally devoid of culture because of the above mentioned movies, you should know that Jane, my wife, and I watch a ton of art house films, take in plays at the Portland Center Stage on a regular basis, sample the finest wines from our local Trader Joe's, and dine out with our Groupons as often as we can. We were going to the Ashland Shakespearean Festival on an annual basis until a few years ago when we walked out of "The Tempest" because it was so damn confusing. I think the actors were speaking in Pig Latin.

Open Your Mouth and Remove All Doubt.....

You have heard the saying, "It is better to be quiet and let them think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". I have pretty much lived by that creed for most of my 53 years. Anymore, I am not certain about it being an indisputable fact. What it has gotten me in life is mostly misunderstanding and misinterpretations about me. And, it has been a developmental factor in my habit of editing personal thoughts and opinions in my mind before sharing them, if at all. I have been perceived by people as reserved, aloof, withdrawn, taciturn, and the dreaded, inscrutable. There may be some truth to those perceptions, but it is not the total me.

True, it is not easy for me to share. But, I know it is important. Even if I am just sharing to no one in particular, such as what I am doing now with these blog postings.

Strideless

I called my self "Strideless" because it popped into my head when this site asked for an identifier. It is an apt choice since I am unable to ambulate due to an early childhood bout with Polio. From my waist up, I am fine. The left leg can support some weight if I hold onto a piece of furniture, it can also act as a lever for me to transfer from one position to another. The right leg is next to useless.

For decades, I was under the mistaken belief that I did not contract Polio until I was 3 years old, thus there was a good chance I was able to walk and run before the terrible paralyzing illness. About 5 years ago, my mother, Mei, told me that I actually got sick before my first birthday, making it unlikely that I ever used my legs.

You hear about paraplegics sharing their dreams where they were able to walk and run like they used to. I can count on one hand that has happened to me. It has been a long time since my last one, but I remembered it as being very vivid. In the dream, my leg muscles were normally developed, full of strength,
and functioned so automatically that I floated along the grounds. When I woke, because the dream was so real, I thought I still had the ability. It was with profound disappointment to find out that nothing's changed.

Even though it was a dream, I am grateful to have had the "virtual" experience.

Evelyn

Evelyn is her Christian name. She answers to Evie or Ev as well when she hears others calling her, which is getting harder with her progressive hearing loss, despite hearing aids in both ears. About 12 years ago, she and her husband went on an Alaskan cruise for seniors where, in a rare spirit of spontaniety, every one in their group were given nicknames. Hers was "Evil Evelyn". She was given that particular moniker mainly because that is the antithesis of how every one preceives her. Her grown children will tell numerous stories about her extraordinary passivity and deferrence. At the dinner table, she will wait until everyone is served before filling her plate, and then with the most miniscule of portions at that. In a group, and even with her husband, she seldom voices her desires preferring to defer to others. Avoiding conflict is the most important thing to her when interacting with people. She reflects with more than slight resentment, over the years how others have preceived her is what she has become.

These last few days she and Ken, her husband of 54 years, are vacationing with her daughter and her family at the Oregon coast. She's enjoying the time together, but mentally strategizing on how to keep everyone happy, including her two young grandchildren, is wearing her down. She wouldn't admit it to anyone, but she is ready to go back home in rural southern Oregon, where there would be more opportunities to be by herself. To escape into her own space, get lost in her own thoughts, and not have to suffer the intrusions of others and their accompanying mental demands.

"Evil Evelyn", what she wouldn't give to embody her alter ego at this moment.

Why Blog?

First blog, first entry: what is this about? I want to express myself, write down thoughts, ideas, observations, musings, and whatever pops into my head at the moment. Tried the Facebook route, but it was like yelling in a crowded room of relative strangers. Sometimes, you would get an acknowledgement, sometimes not.
When I got responses, they were always fleeting. On Facebook, I couldn't be totally honest lest I offend someone. I thought it would be a way for me to share part of myself without necessarily caring about what others thought. I was hoping it would be desensitizing. I figured, the more I post, the easier it would get and the freer I would be. I was wrong. The more I post, the more I would care about what my "friend" thought. How many "likes", "comments"? Too stressful. Well, it was a good try.

I will try blogging. I would hope someone will find my prose interesting. Deep down, I do want to share parts of myself via this media, otherwise I would just keep a journal. If Facebook is like yelling in a crowded room, blogging is like shouting into a deep canyon and wondering if you could create an echo.