At 12:25 AM, police were called by horrified holiday carolers to a grisly scene at the casting pond in Westmoreland Park in SE Portland. The victim was positively identified after a corncob pipe was found in nearby bushes. A plain, tall, red paper beverage cup with a distinctive green logo was left mockingly at the water's edge as a macabre calling card. Rudolph, Santa, The Little Drummer Boy, and Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree are all now under the witness protection program. Trained mental health professionals are on stand by to help the public cope with this gruesome event. Investigators are reportedly questioning top executives at a large ultra-secretive, vehemently anti-festive corporation headquartered in Seattle, Washington.
#WarOnChristmas #ItsJustACup
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